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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.